1. DO NOT run out of wine by 11am. 🍷
2. Stuff the turkey full of Xanax so everyone will be relaxed. Trust me, they will thank you in the morning.
3. After dessert, tell everyone you feel like you have a food migraine coming on. This way you won’t have to do dishes for 6 hours.
4. Put your scale back 10 lbs the night before.
5. When answering what your thankful for DO NOT say “Adult Beverages”.
6. Make sure to add a little Benadryl to the kids juice boxes, you know, just to slow those little fuckers down a bit. 👶
7. If you don’t want to be trapped sitting next to your No Fun Zone grouchy brother-in-law, ask to bring his drink to the table for him. Then place yours on the other end of the table. Now your safe.
8. Refrain from posting a pic of your food on Instagram, everyone is eating the same thing.
9. With the amount of food you’ll be eating, check the integrity of your chair’s construction. 🪑
10. Have plenty of gravy, as it is a beverage in our family.#Gravyhog
11. Wear something with an elastic waist. “This Thanksgiving I’m going to stop eating as soon as I get full.” Said no one ever. 🐷
12. Avoid Hot Button topics like: the $500 your brother owes you, why your sister’s kids behave like Lord of the Flies, your petition for gun control or the current political climate. Let someone else be the reason why all the wine is disappearing.#🚫Familydrama
13. While carving the turkey, don’t make it look like a Jack-o-Lantern. Halloween is OVER. 🎃
14. When the turkey comes out DO NOT ask your nephew if he will too.
15. Remember, a plumbers biggest day is the day AFTER Thanksgiving. So sneak a bottle of Poo-Pourri into the bathroom for future relief. 🚽
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!
