This unrequested wang screen invasion, can’t possibly be more timely for me to discuss today. For some universal reason, every SINGLE time I post a picture on Facebook or Instagram, I’ve got 100 guys reaching for their phone and their fly. Picture this: You’re walking along in your town doing errands, probably headed to Stop and Shop, trying not to piss anyone off by not following the correct Covid arrow direction for the aisle. You’re in your own world, doing your thing, thinking about dinner, when suddenly a giant, angry dick jumps out from the produce in front of you. SURPRISE! All of sudden, dicks are popping out everywhere: from behind the bakery, on the top of the deli counter next to you and in between the Dorito bags!!! No matter where you look it’s dicks, dicks, dicks — and they all want your attention. It’s like the scene from SuperBad with Jonah Hill and his dick drawings mania. That’s kind of what it feels like to be an attractive woman on social media in 2020. Unsolicited dick pics are the perverted flasher of the 21st century, jumping out in everything from Facebook inboxes, Snapchat to private messages on Instagram.
I am clearly not a therapist, so here is my advice which is not sugar coated, but quite sugar-free. These are my 6 reasons why sending an unsolicited dick pic is NEVER a good idea. #GAMEOVER
THEY BLOW THE VIBE (ok no pun intended)
Guys, one more time here. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (yes NOT Penis🍌). There is a reason men watch porn and women watch Rom-Coms. We ARE NOT visual animals. We fall in love with our ears, not our eyes. We require an emotional connection. Sending a dick pic KILLS the romantic, flirty build up of the connection. We like the element of surprise before we cop that first feel. So, Congrats you have already murdered our romantic fantasy.#MYSTERYRUINED
DICKS AREN’T REALLY PRETTY
I know this may come as a shocker guys, but yes, they are more funny looking at best. Especially if they are RED and ANGRY. 😱 A dick is super hot however when it’s attached to the man that you love, then there is nothing sexier. But, if it’s a random dick pic, this does not turn us on. And we get that your horny, like ALL the time. Thank you for your transparency. Studies say on average a man gets 11 erections per day. Am I honored that my name is on one of them? Yeah, no. It’s not like it’s a treasured accomplishment, more like a dime a dozen. Remember what Chris Rock said, “Dick is free!” Women are offered dick every day. YOU get a boner!! YOU get a boner!! Everybody gets a boner!!🌭 We know the female body is beautiful and you want to look at it all the time, but unfortunately we can’t say the same. Dicks don’t make us mindless zombies like boobs do most men.
BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE COULD SEE THEM
Guys, you have no idea where we are in the world when you decide to surprise launch the life-size pic of your wonder schlong. 🍆 We women are social creatures. Surprisingly, we are usually not at home, eating bon bons just waiting for a notification to pop up on our phones of your meat show. We have careers, and we are often with our friends, sitting on the couch next to our kids or boyfriend…or our Dad!! It’s 2020, and our phones are always out and viewable by the people nearby. #DUH
THEY’RE BASICALLY ALL THE SAME
Unless they’re abnormally small or REALLY large, they all look the same. Unless, of course, they have some weird markings. If that’s the case, it’s probably best you show us with the lights out. Spooky 👻 dick season is now over, girls get ready for thankful dick season. 😬🦃
THEY HAVE PROBABLY BEEN PHOTOSHOPPED OR RECYCLED
We know this isn’t your first self amusement park ride, so all we can think about are the five other lucky women you’re currently sending it to, or the hundreds of others who have seen it before. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but they didn’t like it either. Plus, photoshopped images are all over Instagram, so who’s to say whose junk I am really getting a front row seat to.
THEY USUALLY SUGGEST A QUID-PRO-QUO DEAL
Most of the time, when you are sending us these unsolicited crotch shots, you are really hoping for something in return. Just because you feel completely comfortable to expose your Vlad the Impaler into the cloud for all to see does not mean we are willing to have a pic of our Tatas and Vagines passed around to your 10 buddies for their spank bank vault. And if we did, we would be smart enough to work at the local strip club getting paid for it. 🤑
So guys note to self, women don’t suffer from penis envy. Men do. We actually care much more about what your face looks like than your enraged, foamy Vagina Miner. Please keep your snake in it’s cage, because until it’s actually in front of us and we can do something with it, it doesn’t exist. 🐍
Stay EXTRA!!!
