When I first became a “Stepmom”, (I use this term referring to the fact that my fiancee has children from another relationship, not that I am legally a “Stepmom”, but that’s what I represent over the course of a 10 year period) I imagined us all being one big blended happy family and parenting in peace. I had a sincere desire to create a unified, loving and functional new family dynamic. I fantasized about warm Thanksgiving holidays and joint jolly Christmas celebrations. In my perfect world, the Bio-Mom and Stepmom would get along and work together for the sake of the kids. There would be no turf wars, displaced feelings or cruel intentions. But as I am pretty sure you have noticed, we don’t live in that perfect world. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that wasn’t the situation I found myself in. I was so, so wrong. My fiancee’s ex-wife, My Terrorist, did nothing but create conflict and drama EVERY SINGLE DAY. So instead of harmony, it was like oil and vinegar. To say we were in a high-conflict situation, would be an UNDERSTATEMENT. I was going to be one of the unlucky ones that got handed the short end of the stick. I inherited a bi-polar, psychotic, drama loving Medusa with her three little vipers. 🐍
I decided to create this post for people dealing with a toxic parent purposely trying to ruin your relationships with their children and using that to break up your current relationship with their ex. Not everyone has a happy ending. It’s almost a taboo subject to discuss the fact that you do not get along with your partners adult children. It is an awful experience. It’s nothing you would wish on your worst enemy, (ok, maybe one🐍). Here is a condensed version of my story.
Every Stepmom knows that a relationship that comes with a built-in family comes with built-in challenges. It doesn’t take long for reality to hand you a sucker punch. Staying together happily with stepchildren, is NO EASY GIG.
From the get go, I never tried to parent my fiancee’s kids. When I first came into their lives, two of them were well into their teens, one was severely autistic and there was an 8 year old little guy. I think the most I ever said was to please wash your hands after eating bacon because the youngest was getting bacon grease all over the couch. I also asked them to bring their dishes to the sink. This is about as heavy as I got. And apparently, that was WAY TOO MUCH to require because we quickly heard back from his ex that I was “overstepping” my boundaries with my ridiculous “rules”. It was no surprise to me that these children were lazy and lacked appropriate table manners. I mean how could these kids learn good manners without seeing any? They had no role model. They grew up in a home lacking basic hygiene standards. Every single time I came into their jointly shared home, it looked like the health department needed to come in and condemn the dwelling. I had to give my kids tetanus shots before we could enter their home! 😨There wasn’t a clean fork in the house and there were dirty dishes piled up two feet high. There were items in the fridge dated back to 1996 and were their own science experiments. Don’t even get me going on the state of their bathrooms. I’m STILL in therapy over witnessing it. 😫Every single toilet was clogged and wreaked of urine. The bathroom sinks were caked with filth and I actually slipped in one of their showers because of the slime on the tiles. It was a modern day savage state of Lord Of The Flies. This woman had no job. I think she spent her days in Club Bed with DJ pillow watching reruns of Ellen. I was astounded at the pure lack of pride in keeping a clean home, so your children could thrive. I felt sorry for these kids to have to be raised in the next episode of Hoarders. So I thought if I could help them with some basic housecleaning responsibilities, it might be beneficial for them in the long run. My worst offense as a “Stepmom”.
My Terrorist graduated summa cum laude from the School of Brainwash Management. She minored in Alienation, Victimization and Bullying. As I have mentioned in a former post, My Terrorist has lobbied her children against me since day one. She saw any woman that Scott would get involved with as a threat. If her kids liked me it was chrystal clear that it would be seen as a betrayal to her. I never stood a chance with these kids. For 10 years, I have been nothing but welcoming, friendly and kind to them. I call them kids, but they are full grown adults now (26, 24 and 18). I hold them absolutely accountable for being able to have their own thoughts and opinions of me. Their mother’s brainwashing trance should be long gone by now. Do they evaluate me based on how I’ve treated them, how well I take care of their father or the nice things that I have done for them??? Of course NOT. 😩
As if my life wasn’t hard enough already dealing with the abuse of My Terrorist, to add insult to injury, she has her own personal minions or “Flying Monkeys” aka her kids; who side with her and have joined her team in setting out to participate in her damaging agenda to destroy my life.
Flying Monkeys are My Terrorist’s Enablers. They truly believe in the righteousness and “the cause” of My Terrorist. She is a master manipulator. Since she is on the spectrum of delusion, she believes that her terrorizing is justified. Every time she doesn’t like something or doesn’t get her way, she targets me and aligns herself with her Flying Monkeys. Her allies believe her and encourage her delusions of victim-hood. She spins a tale of lies so that the real me is unrecognizable in the story she tells. They rally around her and the mobbing begins. Mobbing is the psychological term used for bullying an individual by a group. This ain’t no Brady Bunch, lucky me, ugh. 😩
I don’t recall any scenes in The Brady Bunch’s five seasons where the Brady boys hurled insults or knives for that matter at Carol or the Brady girls mobbing on Mike. Then again the writers were smart, they knew the only way for this show to work was if their respective exes were dead. 💀
Let me give you an example of something that happened recently. Scott and I were handling a very delicate situation in which we were forced to share some details with My Terrorist. Well, she did not like this information and flew into yet another explosive narcissistic rage. She immediately summoned her three Flying Monkeys. They happily pig piled the blame game on my shoulders. Everything was my fault and my evil influence. My Terrorist even called my 80 year old in-laws to tell them I was the cause of all the problems. Their daughter started texting them to help Team Terror break Scott and I up. My Terrorist even had her ancient parents call my in-laws to get rid of me!!! She is so crazy that just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, she has a crazy underground garage. This drama queen should seriously consider pawning her crown and using the money for counseling. So instead of these Flying Monkeys thanking me for helping their father through a difficult life experience, I got the following harassing texts from Flying Monkey #1:
“I hope you’re enjoying the house that my father pays for. Why don’t you go and have another bottle of Prosecco!”
and
“I can’t believe you are ripping a father from his four children!! You are a horrible person!!!”
Blah, blah, blah. This is coming from a girl whom I have lent my clothes to, I have invited her and her friend to a special weekend in New York City, shopped for 3 hours online to find her new work clothes, took her for a makeover for her Prom makeup, shared every single vacation home we have ever rented with her friends included, cooked for, cleaned for and welcomed into my home during the course of 10 years. AND that’s the thanks I get for all of that PLUS taking care of her father.
Now, Flying Monkey #3, is the least disrespectful and I expect the most out of this one. I have spent the most time with him and I really saw him more like my fifth child. He knows who I really am and I think because of this, I think he drinks the least amount of Kool-Aid from My Terrorist.
However, I am disappointed in his role as being her spy in regards to this recent incident. He reported things back to her that weren’t true and tried to tarnish my character. He stirred the pot.
Flying Monkey #2’s advice for me was to be the “bigger person” and take his mother’s abuse and shut up. To me, this is bullshit advice. My bigness is not determined by my capacity to quietly absorb bullying and degradation. But in this Mama Drama scenario he did say one sentence to me:
“I think you zero percent deserve to be with my Father.”
With that being said, it’s the purrfect segue to my next topic: The Apple Doesn’t Fall Too Far From the Tree…..
Meaning: That children take after their parents. Children have a similar character or similar qualities of their parents. So if your mother is the She-Devil herself, is it shocking to discover that her offspring have their own horns??? #NoShockerHere
I have known these kids for 10 years and I can say with complete confidence that it is THEY who don’t deserve to have Scott as their father. He has given them everything they have ever needed. He has always been there for all of them. My kids would do anything for him to be their real father. Here is what I have witnessed:
- The Flying Monkeys only make what I call “Agenda Calls” meaning they are after something from him. They either want $$ from ATM Dad, they want him to help them with their resume or their loans, they call to push My Terrorist’s demands or guilt trips, they want a free break job, they want to stay at his house when he’s gone, they wanted to use his VT ski house with all their friends or they want free phones, laptops or Apple TVs. I am STILL waiting for the phone call that is just about, “How are you Dad?” He is merely a facilitator to their needs.
2. They only visit their Dad when they already have a destination plan in place and our house is conveniently on their way there, so they need a free place to stay for an overnight. So he gets penciled in for a few hours before they are on their way to NYC or PA or to the airport. Only one of them, 1 time has ever come visit just to come to our house to hang out with him for some quality time in 10 years. But yet they spend every weekend visiting My Terrorist.
3. Holidays, Birthdays and Father’s Day are drive bys, if he’s lucky. Nobody asks him if he’s alone on Thanksgiving or Christmas taking care of their severely autistic brother. They may stop by on Christmas for 30 minutes, where they live around the corner with My Terrorist. This year for Father’s Day, Flying Monkey #1 used a piece of copy paper and scribbled out a Happy Father’s Day card. There was no gift, no being taken out for lunch or a homemade dinner in his honor. Nada. In the past 10 years, they have spent 1 Christmas day with him. Every single other holiday has been with My Terrorist. Clearly, none of them are worried if he’s alone.
4. Scott spends many hours on end in isolation taking care of their autistic brother. This isolation is crippling for him. Have they ever come by just to keep him company, watch a movie or something? NO. I can see on their social media that they are in town and do they come by? NO. Have any of them offered to take care of their autistic brother for a weekend or even just one night to give him a much needed break?? NO. Do they offer this knowing that their father has a serious medical issue? NO. Scott had a major roofing problem this summer which needed hours and hours of work. He is 56 years old and has had neck/spine surgery, do his two boys offer to help? NO. Scott was forced to ASK them to help for his Father’s Day gift this year. They showed up for one day and gave him three hours, two strong young men. My son traveled up from CT for three days to help him all day long. His best friend gave up weekends to help Scott, and kept asking, “Where are his sons?” Nowhere to be found.
5. Flying Monkey #1 has been the cruelest to him. She uses emotional abuse to manipulate him. If Scott doesn’t get in line with what she and My Terrorist demand, she threatens to vacate from his life. The punishment for staying with me is abandonment and isolation. She will shut down all communication and turn him out of their lives. She knows how fearful he is of this emotional alienation, and still she threatens it. It’s all a control game with these people. My Terrorist loves inflicting this pain on him, it’s what she lives for sadly. This Flying Monkey also plays the “Crying Card”. She will say, “I’ve been crying for weeks now with all of this stress you have thrown into my life because I had to babysit for Jack this weekend (autistic brother) to cover for YOU so Mom could have a vacation!!” Crying for weeks??? RIIIIGHT. I mean the Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up and Get Over Yourself. It’s actually about time you gave something back and quit your boo-hoo-waaaa. Now, you should have more empathy for what your father has to deal with. Your ‘poor me’ attitude is beyond annoying. You are purposefully trying to make your father feel awful using guilt and shame. Why weren’t you more concerned with his medical issue than with the hours you missed tanning at the beach? Waaaaaaa!!!!😭 When you permit this type of abuse, kids end up with WAAAY too much power.
And I’M not worthy?
So with all the wonderful kids in the world I could have been a “Stepmom” to, I get these clunkers. They are all takers, “Cardboard Kids” meaning no substance. The most miserable people are the ones that care only for themselves and understand only their own troubles. Givers advance the world and takers advance themselves, and hold the world back. They are their mother’s children, she must be so proud. 😲
As you can tell, I have finally snapped. I will never regret being a good person, to the wrong people. My behavior says everything about me and their behavior says enough about them. If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account. I have a limit, and when you reach that limit, I dismiss you from my life. It’s that simple.
Drama with the ex driving you crazy? Dealing with hurtful Stepkids? Feel like no one understands? You are not alone. Shoot me an email, I will commiserate with you!!
Stay EXTRA!!
