The dating world is a tricky place. Sure going on dates can be fun and exciting, but for every great date you probably have to endure five awful ones which can add up to some really, really priceless stories. The best way to get over them is to share them. They are enough to have you reconsidering whether staying single isn’t the more enjoyable option…..
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
I had met this massive guy at The Boat House in Cambridge one night. He was 6’5, an easy 280 all day long, a real side of a mountain. He had been the football captain at Harvard and incessantly spoke about his games. Ugh, looking back, red flag number one. He asked if he could take me out to dinner for Italian in the North End. Ok sure, I was guilty of wanting a free dinner, I was young and literally hungry. I ordered Fettucini Alfredo, which is unusual for me, but it sounded delish, so why not. After our dinner, I was planning on making a run for the T, but I could feel some intestinal twinges coming on. Damn, it was the cream sauce. Now I had to go back to his place to use his bathroom. More ugh. Every time we crossed the street on our way there, he did this really strange thing of stopping traffic with his hand and shouting, “Stop for Me Lady”. Conan was now speaking in some super weird English accent like he was my night in shining armor or something. I made it into his apartment and ran with Usain Bolt speed into his bathroom. When I tell you that one of my worst fears is having to poop in my date’s bathroom, please believe me. I like to pretend that I don’t poop. In full disclosure, I went in and destroyed Conan’s bathroom like the laxative scene with Harry from Dumb and Dumber. How could this possibly come out of a fashionable, young blonde girl? We are talking truck driver bad. I panicked when I couldn’t open the window, it was screwed shut. I searched in his medicine cabinet for a spray, anything to mask the green cloud. I found some Bactine and furiously sprayed it around the room. I knew I was taking too long and that’s the dead give away to a guy that your date is having poopies. I came out as if nothing was wrong, and sat down with him on the couch. He said it was his turn to use the bathroom next. F**K!!!!! I pulled a desperate measure. I had to give him some smooch time just to let enough time go by to clear out the room from the nuclear ‘rhea devastation. Morale of the story: I am now never without a mini bottle of PooPourri. Ugh.#Poopietornado#Poopiephobia
SCHIZO SMOKESHOW
I dated this gorgeous hot young banker once who also had a modeling contract. He came from one of the richest families in Greenwich, complete with a huge indoor pool and jacuzzi. On one fall night, we were enjoying some wine in the jacuzzi and he began to talk to me in a strange female falsetto voice. At first I thought it was a joke, thought he was showing me his hidden acting talents. But he continued to do it for the next hour and INSISTED that I call him Gigi. To this day, I do not think this was a joke. Since I wasn’t interested in joining the cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, I left. I never heard from Gigi again. And if he was pulling a reverse “Be a Bro” tactic on me, to repulse me and get rid of me, then kudos to him! Ugh #Bankerbust
RICHIE CUNNINGHAM WITH A TWIST
I was working in NYC at the time and began to date Richie Cunningham from my office. Richie Cunningham was the vanilla, basic, clean cut, do the right thing, stand up guy, protagonist from the Happy Days show from the 70s. We were on our third date at a restaurant one evening when he said to me, “Have you ever fooled around with a girl before?” I just had an instant sneaking suspicion that he wasn’t asking me like most guys, because he wanted the inside scoop on any of my torrid female on female action. I told him I hated to disappoint, but if you didn’t notice already, I’m a self professed Maneater and prefer scruffy faces and loaded biceps to soft, squishy female lips and heart shaped asses. I took a deep gulp and I went in with my loaded question, “Have you every fooled around with a guy?” He looked at me with a Cheshire Cat grin and I knew I was right. If there was smoke, there was fire. “As a matter of fact, I have dabbled a bit with my bisexuality. My ex girlfriend and I used to double date with another couple.” I braced myself for the confessional. “And most nights after dinner, we would send them both out to get ice cream. Little did they know that when they left, we would orally pleasure each other. And they never had any clue. Isn’t that HOT?” Ahhhh, sorry, what was that? I pretty sure my jaw hit my plate. I was NOT expecting this from Richie Cunningham. Being bisexual was not in my top five characteristics that I look for in a boyfriend, not that there’s anything wrong with that, just not my glass of Prosecco. Waiter, check PLEEEEAAAAASE!! #NotEXTRA
TED BUNDY
Of course with my luck, my second Match date was almost as bad as my first. Ted seemed to be a decent guy, interesting enough, and I agreed to go one a second date with him. He made a reservation for dinner at a very posh place in Westport. Our dinner convo was basic, and it was apparent to me, at least, that we had zero physical chemistry. He was far from a Smokeshow (see Tricia-isms) and I was getting bore snore vibes. I switched up into what I call my “Be a Bro” tactic. This is when I change up my language and attitude by being more vulgar and unladylike in the hopes of turning him off. Well, it didn’t work. We walked back to the parking lot and he asked me to come over to his place for a drink. No, not happening, so I tossed him a “I’m so bummed, I have to get back home to the kids and let the babysitter get home.” He said to me, and I jest not, “I just bought you a steak, that means you’re supposed to f**k me tonight.” I couldn’t get to my car fast enough before Ted Bundy rolled me up with duct tape and threw me in his trunk. Some people aren’t looking for love; they are looking for help. Note to self: do not order steak again. Double Ugh. #EXTRAfreaked
JOE BOSTON
His name was Joe, a super charming guy from Boston that I had a few dates with. He was the consummate gentleman, a marathoner, banker, and loved his mother. However, when he called me by my name with his Bostonian accent it came out as “Trisher”. “Trisher, how bout a Sox game?” “Trisher, let’s go for a walk.” “Trisher give me a call.” Ugh. #NotTrisherEXTRA
DR. NO
One of closest friends set me up with his best buddy. He had the perfect resume. Dartmouth, med school, attractive, fit, hysterically funny, sexy. Even though it was all still very early, we had such an intense, strong immediate connection that I actually thought he might be “The One”. He invited my sister and I down to D.C. where he was going to med school. We were going to set my little sister up with his roommate. I call this sister of mine, Ariel, because she looks like the sweet iconic Princess from the Little Mermaid. We were all having a fantastic time until around day 3. While we were all on the dance floor, I saw my guy try to make out with my sister. Right there in front of me like it was totally a normal thing to do. When we got home I said, “Hey call me crazy, but I think it’s a bad sign if you want to give Ariel the jump. Sharing is not caring in this situation. I can’t take this red flag and make it into a blindfold.” Later Doc. Ugh. #Nothreesome#NoEXTRAperks#Boobyprize
GRANDPA
I met Grandpa online, he was actually my first Match date. He seemed nice enough and I knew I should agree to go on a date with someone to get my post-divorce dating life started. My first mistake: not trusting my instincts. I had noticed that his profile pics looked a bit aged, i.e. like the ones that I pull out of my college photo album. In retrospect, I should have demanded a selfie to make sure the pics were current. But I didn’t and I went. When I went into the bar, I couldn’t find him anywhere. Then I heard a, “Hey Trish”, I slowly turned around and saw Grandpa looking straight at my face. OMG talk about false advertising. He was about 15 years older then his pics and how old he said he was on his profile. I mean, did he not think that I would catch on to this?!? Oh and the bonus was he was already plastered; he could barely form a sentence and tripped over his chair as he asked me for one of my shoes to try on. Really right now, Grandpa? As I left, the bozo knocked his drink into my bag. Welcome to Match.com. Ugh. #NoDOM#Killmenow